If there’s one thing programmers like to do around Christmas time, it’s to compose the cringiest lyrics to sing on top of familiar Christmas songs. For example: I present you Firebase’s Christmas video.

Dashing through the code
Our console’s on display
O’er the fields we go
Debugging all the way (log log log!)
Analytics on
Making cohorts bright
Oh what fun it is to ship
A new version tonight

Yes. It was very hard for me to watch. God forbid the amazing skit that came before it. At least we can say everyone’s into the Christmas spirit. Especially this guy

Just at that smug look from my man Puf. I actually love this guy to bits.

So to join in the celebrations, I decided to develop some of my own Cringy Code Christmas Song Lyrics. Enjoy.

Silent Night

Silent night
Functions to write
Users buy
Apps that die
Profits gone to a lazy firm
While they laugh at your ignorant churn
Just to give you an ad to come back
So sales can keep coming in

Last Christmas

Last Christmas I wrote all your code
The very next day you just ran away
This year to save me from tears
I’ll stick it in your bum and take my money

All I want for Christmas is you

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
Tons of coffee to keep me kicking
So that I can never sleep
Let my code haunt me in bed
Leave the meta in my head
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is some money. Please save me I’m broke.

Jingle Bell Rock (Firebase Edition)

Jingle bell, brackets hell, Java’s a fuck
Firestore’s dead and Crashlytics is loud
Nobody likes either of your two A/B Tests
Your Cloud Messaging’s just been annoying the rest

Jingle bell, brackets hell, Java’s a fuck
Your only stat raise is your uninstall rate
See your engagement hit the Mariana Trench
Your cohorts are dying tonight

What a bright time, it’s the right time
To pay your blaze plan bill
Copyright strikes, corrupted A.I.
Puf please be the best man on my wedding day

Jingle bell, brackets hell, Java’s a fuck
Firestore’s dead and Crashlytics is loud
Admob’s refusing to give their ads to you
Dig in the Firebase rock!

Aren’t I a great songwriter?

That’s the peak of my songwriting skills. I wish you all a merry Christmas and the best for your coding, journey with Firebase, and the rest of your ventures!